Squirrel with vendetta single-handedly kicks Iraq Veteran’s ass

Springfield IL- Sergeant Frank Garren stands boldly at 6-foot 4 and roughly 230 lbs, ostensibly an ominous presence to encounter if you’re the enemy. That is, unless your adversary is a rogue rodent turned mercenary.

Rapes, muggings and child abductions by gangs of preist pediphiles forced into exile are expected in Washington Park, but squirrel attacks are extremely rare, especially when they are elaborately orchestrated. They may only weigh a couple of pounds, but if your taking a casual stroll in the park…it can be death from above.

And that is what happened to Frank Garren after foolishly simulating a squirrel call, an act lampooned many times by comedians in plotless movies that take place in the great outdoors.

“This crazed squirrel meant business, and obviously feared nothing,” Said the 34-year-old.

“I fought foot long scorpions in the desert and ate sand when I had to, hell I even survived an IED attack and caught 2lbs of shrapnel in my arm…but I don’t think anything could have prepared me for the ambush that struck me in a frenzy of teeth, tiny paws and bulging muscles.”

Garren was barely able to pry the beast from his face as he wrestled with it and tumbled into a deep ravine, it fastened to him like a starfish as it relentlessly screeched and howled striking him over and over in what lasted close to 15 minutes.

As with any wild animal, squirrel attacks are possible but not common, said Greg Largent, director of operations for Sangamon County Animal Control. “People encounter wildlife in a variety of situations, and you know wildlife is unpredictable, so who knows what the squirrel was thinking, only the squirrel and Frank Garren know what happened that day,” He said.

Garren says he’s not exactly sure what prompted the attack, but thinks his squirrel call may have provoked it. Call it a talent or a curse, Garren apparently has a history of freak attacks that didn’t start until he was discharged from the military due to the injuries he sustained. Almost 4 months ago, he was on a date at IHOPS and wanted to impress her with his whale call. She feigned amusement, but that abruptly ended after a 40 foot humpback whale crashed through the ceiling and crushed her. Garren wasn’t charged with her untimely demise due to its incredulous improbability, but now after the squirrel incident law enforcement officials have begun scratching their heads.

Garren and his current girlfriend frequently visit Washington Park, and this particular outing was supposed to be for a school project for his biology class until it went completely awry.

“Whatever squirrel gibberish I said must’ve been taken out of context, if California schools can have Ebonics as an elective, then surely Rosetta Stone must offer a package for squirrel vernacular,” Garren snickered.

Since the aerial assault, the alleged attacker has failed to be ascertained due to the incident not being reported to Springfield Park District Police. Capt. Jonathan Davis has reason to believe that the provocation stemmed from hikers and tourists feeding the squirrels human food, and through adaptation not only developed an affinity for meat but an addiction to the chemicals and hormones resulting in sudden aggression and the kind of physical enhancements that would make ostracized former MLB slugger Jose Canseco cry in comparison.

In May 2007, the San Francisco Chronicle reported that a student and two parents were attacked by a squirrel that crashed through the glass window of a San Jose elementary school classroom, beating a child into submission and taking off with one of the parents wallets. As of now, it is not known if these incidents are related but officials aren’t taking anything for granted and have begun taking hand grenades and painting them to look like acorns to be sporadically sprinkled throughout the park in the name of justice and the American way.

Jack Nicholson explains “Fat is still in the fire” in rare statement

Malibu Ca- In Hollywood the paparazzi Nazi’s pulsate the news and cut off the circulation of the AP wire like drunken moils to feed their greed and public need for living the lavish life vicariously through the behavior of a celebrity to fill the gaping voids of insecurity in their own miserable lives.


But once in awhile there are scintillating flickers of whimsicality that are a venerable comedians 6 course meal when sifting through the news used to light their fuse. Oscar winner Jack Nicholson can rarely be reached for interviews but issued a statement by telephone when asked about recent photographs taken of him at the beach with his shirt off and flailing his arms about and looking quite pregnant. So when inquired about his newly attained weight he responded:


“Hey, everyone’s allowed to gain weight and I’m proud of my blubber. Fat is the new sexy, sure back in the day all I had to do is cock my devilish eyebrow like an Irish sailor and flash my pearly whites and the girls would fall into the sack like my hair falls into the sink every morning…but now my entire body is pearly white and I’m a hit with the ladies when I lay out on the sand, they swoon and swarm around me and start to pet me and cover me with wet blankets and pour water on my head. Turns out they were marine biologists that thought I was a beached whale, but so what? I was like, there she blows! I’m 70 freakin years old for god’s sake, and when you’ve been a swordsman as long as I have it takes Viagra and four of my assistants to raise my mast so you take whatever you can get.” Nicholson said.

Coming Soon to Theaters in 2009

Mary Poppins II The Addiction

It has been leaked that the role of Mary Poppins will be played once again by the venerable Julie Andrews. The premise, the alchemic nanny comes back from 40 years of obscurity only to find that Jane and Michael have died from diabetic heart attacks induced by spoonfuls of sugar coupled with the ominous reality that a majority of domestic households have lapsed into complete dysfunction which drives her into severe depression and eventually heroin addiction and becomes a drug overlord of the poppy industry that finally leads her to live up to her name.

Critics remain skeptic, but not Ebert, who already gave the film two thumbs up and then sat on his hands.

Self Proclaimed Miracle Man is being sued by Food Guru

Miami Fl- Todd Bentley believes that God acts through him to cure cancer, heal the deaf, give sight to the blind, raise the dead and even distribute presents amongst the homeless with the serial numbers scratched off. He also believes that by simply clapping his hands and watching the first “Back to the Future” film that he can go back in time.

His parents told CNN correspondents that growing up working in the small towns coal mine left permanent mental scars on the boy, and when he was only 7 became buried in a mine collapse, and it was here that he had the revelation that Jesus had been using the Easter Bunny as a hand puppet all this time and Todd began recreating this image by using some of his feces that had caked to his pants during the 6-day rescue dig that finally found him.

Somehow Bentley’s brain damaged sermons have managed to draw hundreds of thousands of blear-witted people to his tattered circus tent located deep within the dense region of the Everglades, where he broadcasts whatever gibberish that seeps into his head. The tattooed 32 year old Canadian places his palms (that are furtively hooked to a taser) to the foreheads of these sick desperate zealots and then yells “BAAAAM!!!!” Causing them to collapse in a frenzy of spasms and then he proclaims that they are cured giving rise to the possibility that the alleged sick and afflicted should all be given Academy Awards for the next ceremony. But that is all speculation and hearsay and will be promptly dealt with after Emeril’s $20 million lawsuit against Bentley clears for infringing upon his founding phrase “BAAAAM!!!!.”

In other news: Analysts see oil dropping below $100 per barrel in coming months. Poppa can now go tend to his unicorn, cook a dodo egg omelet in the bathtub and head to work in his 150mpg truck generated by a volcano and love for the environment.