Miami Fl- Todd Bentley believes that God acts through him to cure cancer, heal the deaf, give sight to the blind, raise the dead and even distribute presents amongst the homeless with the serial numbers scratched off. He also believes that by simply clapping his hands and watching the first “Back to the Future” film that he can go back in time.
His parents told CNN correspondents that growing up working in the small towns coal mine left permanent mental scars on the boy, and when he was only 7 became buried in a mine collapse, and it was here that he had the revelation that Jesus had been using the Easter Bunny as a hand puppet all this time and Todd began recreating this image by using some of his feces that had caked to his pants during the 6-day rescue dig that finally found him.
Somehow Bentley’s brain damaged sermons have managed to draw hundreds of thousands of blear-witted people to his tattered circus tent located deep within the dense region of the Everglades, where he broadcasts whatever gibberish that seeps into his head. The tattooed 32 year old Canadian places his palms (that are furtively hooked to a taser) to the foreheads of these sick desperate zealots and then yells “BAAAAM!!!!” Causing them to collapse in a frenzy of spasms and then he proclaims that they are cured giving rise to the possibility that the alleged sick and afflicted should all be given Academy Awards for the next ceremony. But that is all speculation and hearsay and will be promptly dealt with after Emeril’s $20 million lawsuit against Bentley clears for infringing upon his founding phrase “BAAAAM!!!!.”
In other news: Analysts see oil dropping below $100 per barrel in coming months. Poppa can now go tend to his unicorn, cook a dodo egg omelet in the bathtub and head to work in his 150mpg truck generated by a volcano and love for the environment.
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